mumble grumble

read this with a scowl on your face, then it's gonna be easier to understand what i'm feeling.. damn, i hate everything.. i hate waking up at 7 in winter.. i hate walking to the library to open it.. i hate getting paid peanuts.. i hate sitting around in the library.. i hate it when too many people come ask me questions in the mornings.. i hate it when people start borrowing/returning books early in the morning.. i hate it when i'm handling the morning shift alone.. i hate it having to do shelving in the mornings.. dammit i just hate mornings, period!

then there's some more to hate too.. i hate term papers.. i hate learning hardcore biology.. i hate reading ancient research papers.. i hate deadlines.. i hate that it's december and school is still on.. i hate term papers where i have to learn hardcore biology and read ancient research papers, and submit it on a deadline in december.

well, i think i'm all vented now, not really pissed, just drained.. how was your day? ;-))

mindless rambling 1

woke up on monday morning feeling restless, well-rested but restless.. suddenly i have sooo much to think about again. it's weird, cos i like thinking, but this time it's different. i have this huge plate of thoughts in front of me, and fork and knife in hand i sit there, watching the plate, nibbling bits off the sides, but not wanting to dive in headfirst. the plate of thoughts looks like pasta.. spaghetti actually. long, tangled strands of it, twisting and turning, and blending with one another to create this uniform blend of oneness. yet it's heterogeneous cos on some strands i can see words.. little keywords written in blue ink.. standing out. some keywords repeat themselves.. some are names, that show up again and again too.. and i stare at the plate.

i probe with one end of the fork.. trying to draw out a strand.. and a limp spaghetti flops out. it says thesis on it, in bold, royal blue letters. i can make out the font - Arial, what i usually type papers with. now there's something to ponder on. where is it going? is it going? what is it going with? when will it get there? i shake my head to clear it, but the blue letters are still swimming in my eyes, like the little shapes that you sometimes see floating in the cornea of your eye, especially when you look up into bright light.

this time i try to separate two strands.. one is clear, just the corn-yellow of well-cooked spaghetti, but the other enigmatically states attention. now this one is strange. very strange. "attention?" i ask myself, "what attention?". i try to break it down, and a very clear pattern starts to appear. i like being the enigmatic, grey-man in most situations, preferring to know, and be in the backroom, making sure the wheels are spinning. but the showman in me.. blame the E in the ENTP that i am, wants limelight! he wants glory, and he wants it now! he's not interested in what it takes to get there, or how long - he wants his action, and he wants it now!! i realise that i do need attention, not just any attention, from just about anybody.. but i crave the approval of my friends, and those close to me, for i know they are the ones who will be honest in dishing it out. i am definitely a 'giver'.. i get my greatest kicks from being there for people, doing stuff and seeking the limelight, albeit on a smaller setting. it's like being nervous on Broadway, but settling for the same role in Soho.

i go digging again, looking for another word, trying hard to not bias myself by staring vaguely away from the plate. i stab the fork randomly, and pull out homesick. now this is a surprise! i didn't wanna think about this. i didn't even think i had it! what the hell? i've been away from home for going on five and a half years now, i thought i had this baby licked!! i mean, even before that i was always alone at home, and had worked things out then. i had waved goodbye to all my imaginary friends, hundreds of memories, and those walls that i grew up with.. convinced myself that moving away was the best thing i could do for my future.

but when i went back home on vacations after that, those walls of my room, now bereft of their posters and graffiti, stared blankly at me. there was a very eerie silence about my room. metallica roared on the multiple speakers, but yet there was an underlying silence. the first few nights were the worst, as i lay awake, watching the shadows on the curtain. the leaves rustled, the insects chirruped and the wind blew, but the silence remained. i went crazy trying to convince myself that i hadn't betrayed anyone, or run away.. leaving home was just a means to an end. mom, dad, i haven't deserted you, i promise. i will be back again, the prodigal son, bearing great riches and success, so that you can be proud of me. i promise.

buffalo rules!

right, this has been an excellent weekend in all respects!! on the sports side, the UB Bulls whooped Indiana State 92-64 downtown at the HSBC Arena.. we'd gone to watch the Bulls in action.. the word i wanna use is 'rampant'.. they completely dominated Indiana, didn't give them a chance.. Yassin was in lethal form, and Turner leading the troops, and we show even more signs of the huge season that we're gonna have!

and on sunday, the Buffalo Bills won their first away game in ages.. demolishing the Seattle Seahawks 38-9 for their fifth win in seven weeks :-)) the defense was as usual in no mood for nonsense, and today the offense caught fire! Bledsoe on his return to his home-state and college-city, led the Bills admirably today; McGahee rushed for four touchdowns, and even Losman got some playing time.

saturday night was good.. after we got back from the game.. went over to 87M.. got wasted and watched reruns of 'That '70s Show' on their ceiling projector, then came back home.. ate 'poha' that vipul had whipped up, and leftover fried fish from lunch.. then for dessert we had bagels coated with chocolate and hazelnut spread.. don't ask, it's all junkie food ;-))!! we went back to 87M then to get more of the new stock.. watched 'The Grudge' (original japanese version, freaked me out, i HATE horrors with kids going psycho in them!!) and 'Police Academy' for cheap thrills..

this was a nice restful weekend, spent lots of time recuperating, eating and drinking.. sank whipped up pasta and pork ribs for sunday dinner, and we spent a quiet evening winding down, getting ready for another hard week's partying!! :-))

Happy Birthday Arul!!

it was always gonna be one of those days.. well, when you wake up at 2 and someone offers you a bottle of Yuengling Black & Tan (for the uninitiated, that's a lighter dark beer - i know that sounds oxymoronic, but you have to know your beer to understand that statement!).. then you have a fair idea of what's coming.

for arul's birthday we decided to make mutton, and mal was baking the cake. meanwhile we were making serious inroads into the two bottles of Johnny Walker and Robert Mondavi's Cabernet Sauvignon. we'd passed by 87M to have a couple of shots too. i love cooking, and i love cooking even more so when i'm stoned!! :-))

just before midnight nirav took arul out on a wild goose chase while we decked up the place.. then surprised him when he came back in!! it definitely did look like we got him by surprise too!! after which point then we partied, and drank, and then some more, and more.. arul had some three shots of scotch and promptly became much more loquacious.. before eventually passing out ;-))!! jason, vip and i were still fired up then, and jase was regaling us with stories from his military reserve days in afghanistan and the training period too. finally at 5 we decided to call it a night.. Happy Birthday arul dude!

NB: check out the sidebar for the latest pics!!

Happy Thanksgiving

spent a quiet thanksgiving at home.. nirav came in from boston today.. so we just chilled out. went to Lake Effect Diner for a huge thanksgiving dinner, and pigged out, roast turkey, pumpkin and peas, mashed potatoes, bread with cranberry jelly, and apple pie (they ran out of pumpking pie!).. perfect, just perfect! :-))

for those interested in the story of Thanksgiving, in short it celebrates the first good harvest that the pilgrims who came over on the 'Mayflower' had.

confusing

ever get that feeling that there's a post inside you, dying to get out.. you just don't know how to write it? the maelstrom of conflicting emotions.. should i make it angsty and brooding, or deep and meaningful, or even light-hearted and cheerful?

i just went out for a walk.. it's all dark and quiet outside.. a heavy blanket of fog has settled on the University Heights district. the sub-zero cold is keeping even the most ardent party animals indoors tonight. ".. hearts and thoughts, they fade, away.." eddie vedder croons.. on nights like this, it's natural that Pearl Jam sounds very soothing.. Seattle is like this over half the year!

something natasha said in her blog got me thinking.. are we trying to postpone reality by staying in grad school? postponing reality.. is that the meaning of life? we yearn for change, we dream of better days, yet when new vistas present themselves, we cringe and cower. we hold on to threads and grasp at straws, anything to staunch the bleeding of time.

"nay" i say, "for want of a better day i shall not lose today"

turkey time!!

just a quick note to say.. have a very Happy Thanksgiving.. for those going home, enjoy! for those going on holiday, enjoy even more!! tis' the season for roast turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and loads of wine :-)) (oh yeah, and leftover turkey sandwiches for the next week or so too!!)

the Bulls are ON!!

the college basketball season is on, and the UB Bulls are off to a great home start! we played our first home game last night against Fairleigh Dickinson at the Alumni Arena on campus.. and the Bulls this season are showing all the hallmarks of a winning-quality team.. winning without playing their best, the confidence and swagger, the hard work.. yes, we should probably show why we're being tipped as conference champions this year! wooha!

the game itself was a nail-biter.. the Bulls shooting was a bit cold, drives were non-existent, and we had just a three point lead going into halftime. that got stretched to eight points, but FDU showed some great resolve in coming back and taking the lead themselves on some crucial plays. suddenly it all started unravelling for the Bulls.. and with 47 sec on the clock, we were down seven, and dead and buried, with ten team fouls already on the board. then started the comeback.. FDU missed a couple of free, throws danny gilbert picked up the rebound and set up mark bortz for an alley-oop dunk that should have smashed the glass!! 24 seconds to go..

turner battle then fouled, and in the ensuing din and raucous crowd noise, again FDU missed their free throws! turner picked up the rebound and on a full court drive made a jumper.. three points behind, with 12 seconds on the clock, and gilbert was fouled on a three-point attempt.. three free-shots! by the now the whole arena was standing, urging on the boys, and all got deathly silent when he missed the first shot. the second one was good, and two points down, he intentionally missed the third to gain the rebound, and turner set bortz up for yet another monster dunk to tie the game with 1.4 seconds left!

by now the whole momentum was with the Bulls, and we easily swept them aside on first overtime to win 87-84! yeeha!! the Mighty Maniacs, the UB Bulls fan club, was there in force, and we never gave up on the team, even with time running down and us so far behind, and the boys rewarded us with not giving up the fight and coming back to whoop FDU!! good work boys! :-))

Notes: Turner Battle is the team leader and best player too.. showing NBA promise definitely. Calvin Cage is the shooter from downtown, with his own personal fan club - 'Calvin's Crazies'!! Mario Jordan is the laid back slick 'playa'! Mark Bortz is big, not too smart, and the quintessential frat boy! ;-) he's gonna dunk me with all his 6'10" if he ever reads this!! he also has his own fan following, mostly sorority girls!! Yassin Idbihi is the exotic Moroccan, French parents, and grew up in Germany! Roderick Middleton is your stable team player. Jason Bird and Danny Gilbert are trey-shooting defensive giants, with amazing work rate. and finally, it's coach Reggie Witherspoon, one of the most popular faces on campus, loved by all for his commitment and dedication, in turning the UB basketball program from perennial losers to conference beaters in just five years. Yes, this is the team that is taking us to cleveland for the MAC conference finals come february!

short week

yeah this is how mondays should be! woke up straight at noon.. thereby negating all possibilities of there being any work done in the lab. "why" i hear you ask? "well" my dear friends, "hundreds be the reasons!" but in a nutshell.. i have the lab keys now, and will get my building passkey tomorrow too, so i can actually go work at 3 am if i want :-)) not that there is much chance of that ever happening! besides, it was a monday! i don't do mondays. simple. i don't do wednesdays and fridays either, but don't let my advisor overhear that!! also, its Thanksgiving Week.. we're all giving thanks for what we have.. in my case, i'm giving thanks for what i don't have (red ferrari, completed MS thesis, blonde supermodel girlfriend, high-flying NYC research job, etc etc.. in no particular order either!)

i have discovered a great way to stay awake in class.. it involves a pinch of a herb called mary-jane and some tobacco, and any one of the following: a paper around 2.5" by 2" in size, a roll of card and a lighter.. OR an avocado, a matchbox and a snorkel.. OR a lump of coal, tin-foil and a gatorade bottle.. but on a more serious note, i've definitely been having much more fun when i'm in class stoned! not only does my advisor think i'm smart, now he knows i'm smart! talking of which, i think dr. baier was a bit of a fratboy-wildkid himself.. he keeps making references to things in class that you would not expect regular old-fogey profs to refer to.. just yesterday he was talking about how to distill the methanol out of grain alcohol and woodpolish to make drinkable alcohol!! then another time he mentioned how the surface of a titanium implant was so smooth and shiny that you could snort crack off it!! and yet another time he was telling us how medical grade silicon rubber is so pliable and soft that you could take a small piece and a roll a joint in it!! amazing!!

had my shift at the library at night till close, then mal and i went to Third Base for a drink, and dinner later at Lake Effect. passed by 87M after dropping her off.. and found that madan is back from india, and brought some 20 kilos of sweets back!! all kinds, shapes and sizes too!! so we watched the fourth day of the india - south africa test match.. smoked up, and absolutely pigged out on the sweets!! yum yum!! got back home and hung out, slept at around 5.30.. and now here i am in the library on opening shift again, as usual.. yaaawn!

Hospital

it's a humid afternoon, and i'm in the workshop; the viscous pump i'm designing is frustrating, as there are a lot of grooves to be milled. my cellphone goes off in my jeans, wiping my sweaty brow i answer. i hear your voice, and the word 'hospital'. almost in slow motion, i drop everything and take off running. a lab-tech yells out at me as i swing past him, making him drop the toolbox he's carrying, "sorry" i shout, already out of the big double doors of the workshop.

i run up to the empty nurse's station in emergency, gasping desperately i flip through the record book and see your name and the room number. ward 6. still running, i come flying into the room. your pale, pretty face manages a weak smile. all i can see is a jumble of tubes and wires. i'm confused, tense, worried, but i have to act strong here, especially when i see your face. you look scared, little worry-lines running across your brow, your lips drawn together in a tight line, as every breath you take is a laboured achievement. your girlfriends sitting around look equally worried. the doctor finishes his stethoscope examination, and gestures to me to see him outside. he tells me it's seasonal, usually not a big thing, but only that you have had a pretty bad attack, and breathing will be a bit tough for the next few days. if there is no change in the next few days, then surgery might be required. this is devastating. i assure him that i'll be here, and you'll get better. you need bed-rest he says, little does he know the kind of active, 100 mph life you lead!!

sitting here beside you, i read you short stories from Roald Dahl's 'Tales Of The Unexpected', doing my best to try make you smile, making comic impressions. we look out of the open windows, at the fading light outside. nature is at it's best early in the morning, and late in the evening. your head is on my shoulder, while i gently rub your back, trying to make breathing a little easier for you. you laugh again as two birds fly past the window, twittering away to glory! the sun finally sets, and all is quiet outside; all is quiet inside the hospital too. occasionally, a nurse walks past, her heels click-clacking on the tiled floor of the corridor. this is probably the first time we have had so much peace and quiet in our lives for the last month or so. mentally i berate myself for all the things we should have done and seen. never again will i postpone what we have today, for who knows if we shall have it tomorrow?

i hear you calling out my name in a little voice, i wake up with a jolt. all is dark, and just a little blue glow from the nightlamp illuminates the rest of the room. your lips are dry, and throat rasps with each breath you take. the glass of water is already in my hand before you even ask for it. you drink in little gulps, letting every sip of it swirl around in your mouth. i kiss you on your forehead, and pull the chair closer. you don't feel like sleeping, and ask me to read to you again, you like it when i do that. so there i start, rambling on and on, and when i look up after some time, your eyes are shut, your breathing much more peaceful and a little smile playing on your lips. your hand still in mine, i lay my weary head on the bed.

i'm woken by a gentle kiss on my upturned cheek. startled, i jump up to see you standing beside the bed, already dressed! the doctor's checked, and everything's normal again. you can leave the hospital, but you should still rest. your bubbly laughter fills the room along with the morning light. even the pale blue walls seem less foreboding than when we'd come in yesterday. you're a fighter honey, and i love that about you! we go out the door of the hospital, and step out into the crisp morning air, looking up into the blue sky with white wisps stringing across it. it's a new day, and we take new steps into the world ahead of us, together.

excellent weekend

gotta say this was a most excellent weekend. pretty much everything went well, turned out right, or did good. friday it started off on a high with the lamb curry and johnny walker.. then we smoked up and got wasted thoroughly!

saturday was good too.. woke up just in time for the last weekend of the regular american football college season.. the UB Bulls ain't making the playoffs this season either.. my adopted college team, the OSU Buckeyes, had a great game whooping traditional rivals UMich!! pinku dude.. yeeha!! the college basketball season tipped off in the evening.. the UB Bulls lost to national champs UConn and gave a very good account of themselves.. this season we should definitely reach the title game for our conference.. our first home game is on tuesday evening.. Go Bulls!!

we got some fresh stock ('hydro' this time.. totally kickass stuff!!), so we brought the single-shot water bong back out.. did a few shots at leisure and played monopoly!! went over around two at night to our other haunt.. 87M.. got even more hammered there.. the best part was playing american football, on the dark, lonely and wet street (i was thinking of you clouds)on the way back..

sunday woke up just in time for the NFL game(pro american football league, for the non-sports oriented ;-)).. the Buffalo Bills totally kicked ass today.. we bitchslapped St. Louis Rams all over the stadium.. devastating them 37-17 with incisive passing, explosive special teams returns and choking defense!! yeeha!! we're SO back in the playoff running again!! :-))

the afternoon got so much better too.. we played cricket in the backyard.. it was great.. playing among all the hundreds of leaves scattered was such a challenge.. sighting the ball in the fading light was a huge challenge.. vip was in fine fielding form.. stopping everything.. sank's bowling was completely unhittable.. while arul showed ice-cold nerves to grittily win a couple of games.. and i for once was in very belligerent batting form.. everytime we smoke up and play we show different sides to our game!! ;-))

sunday evening was a haze of banana milkshakes.. funny movies on cable.. smoking up.. fried chicken and coleslaw (that we made.. it came out awesome!!).. smoking up.. more funny movies.. stir-fried spicy shrimp.. smoking up.. playing monopoly.. and.. and.. and nothing else. am too damn stoned now!! :-P

chatted with quite a few people this weekend.. so shout-outs to arunima (nice talking to you!!).. reshma (how was your weekend?).. beatrice and deepa (thank god CAT's over eh?!).. diamonds (good luck with your exams!).. tracie (when do you start blogging again?) and last and definitely NOT the least.. Princess M (you know yourself!) - i'm sorry yaar, please don't get mad.. it's very confusing keeping up with your moods! now y'all have a great week.. meanwhile it's time to light up again *huge grin* ;-))

With The Lights Out

it is with great joy i announce that Nirvana's much-awaited box set is to be released on tuesday 23rd. this should be amazing, 3-CDs, 1-DVD of 81 tracks, 68 of them previously unheard!! follow the link for reviews and descriptions. listed at a quite pricey $60, you can get it on most online shopping sites starting from $45 on pre-order!! well, this is a purchase that, for me at least, is a no-brainer.. nirvana has been one of the most influential bands of my life! besides, i already have everything they've ever done, so this would top it off nicely. :-)) WEDG 103.3 FM are having a 'necessary nirvana' weekend, playing only nirvana all weekend long to commemorate it too!

good times

it's been an excellent day.. had a great night's sleep.. woke up at 9.. thought about the research paper that i had to submit today.. decided what had to be written.. then promptly rolled over and went back to sleep!! got up at 12.. had some leftovers from last night for breakfast.. sat down to write.. good thing i had already got my reference papers.. so read a bit, wrote a bit.. read a bit more.. wrote some more, and soon enough i had a research paper on 'PHB/PHV Copolymer Applications in Ophthalmology'!! :-)) as vip once said, the day after smoking up is always a very inspired one for writing!

was feeling particularly lively today, so i smoked up a small joint before the Polymeric Biomaterials class ;-)) it definitely helped too, cos' class was a bit morbid today.. dr. baier was talking about how the corporations and doctors have killed hundreds of people by using implants and stuff without adequately testing them. he showed us some slides that were gruesome, and was virtualling imploring us to go out into industry and try to make a change. he got pretty emotional when he talked about his failed efforts to change the 'get rich quick' system.. he was actually president of the World Biomaterials Conference! maybe i don't appreciate it enough, but this man who is my thesis advisor is also one of the top five biomaterials researchers in the world too!!

now here's one thing i would like to tell all, and i urge to tell everyone you know about this too.. if you have a temporomandibular joint (TMJ) problem, and a jaw-joint implant is suggested, DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT get it done without seeking a second , unrelated opinion. way too many orthopedic and maxillofacial surgeons are suggesting these without adequate implant testing, and no health insurance package covers it either. there is no legislation for it since it slips into the cracks between the oral and orthopedic fields. go to the site for more information.

got back home (safely i might add ;-)), and we got some lamb today.. so i marinated it, and made jeera rice with lamb curry. i must say, it came out absolutely awesome.. it smelled just heavenly, and tasted even better.. food was so scrumptious that between sank, nats, vip, arul and i, we demolished some 3 lbs. of lamb!! yeeha!! gaurav dropped by in the evening too.. and we opened vipul's graduation gift too.. a bottle of Johnny Walker scotch! we then watched our favourite western "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" and M*A*S*H and rounded off a perfectly excellent day! :-))

NB: see the sidebar for the latest photos!!

life-changing experiences and all that

okay, now honestly, how many people here have been in a situation where you saw your life flash by in like a few milliseconds, and after the event, assuming you lived? (well, of course you did, you're here reading this now!! duhh me!!) anyways, and after that, you felt that your life changed because that was like a turning point or something in your life? i don't think too many people have had that.. i for one wouldn't be sure as to what kind of event exactly classifies as that.. as lots of events move me, but at the end of the day i still remain the guy i am, and have always been.

yesterday evening, after class.. i was walking home, minding my own business as i usually do. at the crosswalk for Main and Heath, i wait for the pedestrian signal to go green, which also means that cars from heath can go too, but they usually wait for pedestrians to cross first. so there i am, crossing, trying not to get too wet in the drizzle, when i feel headlights on me.. a little too close for comfort! i look up, wondering what the hell this bloke is doing, and then WHAM!! so i do this jackie chan-type stunt in the air, land in a heap, and then jump straight up.. very VERY pissed!!

so i'm standing there in the crosswalk.. letting fly with a stream of expletives.. "what the f*#kin' hell, you F@&K!! can't you f^$king SEE??!!" and then i look inside, at this girl, probably my age, hands-free unit in her ear, and she's white as a sheet.. her hands are shaking, and she's like in shock! she was stammering and stuttering in a very small voice "i'm sorry, oh my god i'm so sorry, are you okay..." and i'm telling myself.. yeah what the hell, just a few cuts and bruises.. no real damage.. and she looks like totally freaked out.. so tell her i'm fine.. and walk off.. feeling pretty good actually. good karma. be nice.

then when i get home and the 'rush' wears off.. the aches and pains kick in! one knee is a bit of a bloody mess, and left hand is bloody too.. but its all superficial.. and five minutes, a shot of vermouth and a cigarette later, i'm good to go again! drive safely boys and girls, i might not be feeling so charitable next time around!! :-))

right, getting back to the title of the blog.. so there i was lying in bed at night, my knee throbbing, and i was telling myself.. "maybe there's a lesson to be learned in this, maybe it's a sign, maybe this is supposed to be a turning point in my life.. " but when i woke up this morning, everything was still the same, nothing's changed.. i don't feel any compelling need to be a better person, or give it all up for monk's orders, or anything!! i'm grateful to be alive and kicking.. so will continue to live my life to the maxxx, as i have been doing :-D!! party on people!!

alexander the great??

went to watch the premiere last night in school.. it was so exceedingly sad!! if you thought 'Troy' was bad.. then 'Alexander' is horrific!! dragged over two hours forty five minutes.. i am really disappointed in oliver stone, the camera work was weird, a lot of scenes did not have his 'touch'..

it proceeded to chronicle a very wimpy, mama's boy alexander.. well, were you taught in history class that alex was GAY?! yep, they showed him and his succession of lovers in all his homosexual glory. now i don't wanna sound all homophobic and all, but alex got showed up as a wuss, and very indecisive. by the time his conquests led him to india, not only were his generals telling him to turn back, so were most of the audience!! it was told in a very predictable flashback way, which also didn't come off well at all.. and the war scenes weren't too well done either..

colin farrell as alexander was quite average, angelina jolie as his mother olympias was good, as was val kilmer as philip the macedon, his father. anthony hopkins played old ptolemy in a role reminiscent of zorro.

fortune favors the bold, but not in this movie.. overall rating - 'C'

Rain

the wind blows past.. carrying with it bits of grass, soil, and memories. it's a warm wind, heavy with moisture - rain is imminent. you stand facing the wind, letting it play upon your face, as your smile brightens up the fading evening light, and your eyes shine, anticipating the night. i'm standing behind you, and you lean back, your head on my chest. the jasmine of your floral shampoo lingers in your hair. your alabaster neck stretches away, untouched, unblemished. no, wait, there's one darkish patch. i touch it, and you look up into my eyes with a playful smile, and mouth the word silently - "hickey!". i smile too, as a snapshot of that memory flashes past my eyes fleetingly.

it's nice under the tree, watching as the wind gains in strength and is gusting by now. big, fat raindrops start plopping on the grey road, making big black blotches. you reach out a slim, tapering arm, so that your upturned palm catches a drop. you giggle with glee, the honest laughter of a four-year old. the raindrops get bigger, and more frequent, and before you know it it's raining heavily! you pull at my hand, wanting to play in the rain, as i stand there, looking at you raptly. your every move seems gracious, choreographed, fluid in execution. now you're in the rain, jumping up and down as the raindrops hit you, throwing your hands in the air. i cannot help but watch as you dance to an unheard tune, feeling every beat in your pulse. another lightning bolt flashes, and lights up the area, and the drops on your skin sparkle like little diamonds as they catch the brilliant white light. i am jerked from my reverie as you spray me with water from your long, curling locks, beckoning me with an inviting forefinger and a 'come hither' look that turns my insides into mush.

completely soaked to the bone, but glowing with happiness we walk this road. you holding on to me tightly, our hearts beating as one. in the greying dusk, it's just you, me, and our world. sometimes no words are required. suddenly you stop, and with a small shout, you point - i peer into this jaded light wondering what has piqued your interest. you tug at my soaked sleeve, impatiently. finally i see it, a small clump of violets, shaded from the violence of the raindrops in the lee of a tree. the almost-mauve petals peek out from behind the dark brown of the tree stem. i pick up a pair, and hand them to you. your eyes positively glow with happiness. man, i would do anything to see your eyes light up like that for the rest of my life.

we sit under the tree, holding hands, fingers intertwined. the rain has stopped, and the damp humid heat is back. vapour trails rise from almost all wet surfaces. it's pitch dark now, and yet we sit there. the only sound is that of the crickets. from far, far away comes traffic noise, from the highway. your head rests on my shoulder, eyes closed, the two violets clutched gently in your hand, against your cheek. i raise a forefinger and trace the tip against your lips. you nip it gently with your front teeth, then grin, eyes still closed. and we sit there, at peace, one with nature. my shoulder is numb, but i don't move, not wanting to disturb this picture of tranquility, serenity, unconditional love.

haloscan for comments

so i have finally done it.. under extreme pressure and duress ;-)).. ladies and gentlemen, please find a Haloscan link at the bottom of this post for all your commenting, complaining and complimenting requirements!! and now that i have enabled this, i am expecting many more comments from a certain section of my readers!!

also, there is a DoodleBoard in the sidebar, where you can buzz me should IM not be convenient for you. once again, i am expecting that same certain section of readers to be using that more frequently too!! :-))

wild, just wild!!

i gotta tell you, last night was one of the craziest nights ever! not only did we make a brave attempt to drink the country dry, we smoked most of the country too!! first we threw vip a small surprise party.. by which time he was almost already out with all the whisky and vodka shots.. then there were tequila shots.. and wine.. two large pizzas and buffalo wings too.. then there was the 'essential herb'.. then we danced the bhangra too, then there was more.. and more.. and more... aaargh!! vip got a shot of helium from the balloon too!! it was so strange that we started at 8.30, cos by 11 we were all high and dry..

we went over to 87M with the tequila bottle, and proceeded to do shot-joint rounds.. lost count after some four or five rounds.. i think.. listened to a very eclectic mix of music.. indian classical, rage against the machine, pink floyd, some trance.. had a hilarious time there taking sid's case.. the tequila did everyone in.. snoop, kt and tj as well.. unfortunately they didn't have the projector, or else we were planning to watch Hero..

we then went on a long roundabout walk to get back home.. passed by 55 tyler too.. our old haunt.. almost convinced vip to go to the gas station and hang out with the cops there at the coffee n' donut place.. but he was having severe problems in lifting one foot and placing it in front of the other, besides he was holding on to a tree for dear life!! after that his 'walking in a straight line' started taking the form of a three year old's scribbles!! at one point he actually sat down on the kerb and started complaining why someone had moved the house further away from wherever he'd last seen it!!

upon getting back home vip decided he was hungry again.. and then he promptly passed out!! anyways, when he does eventually wake up this morning/afternoon/evening he'll have a headache the size of texas! good luck dude! me? it's 8 a.m. and i just opened the library.. hungover like hell.. providing essential library services to all the hardworking boys and girls of the university at buffalo.. study hard children, so that you can all make lots of money, drink lots of alcohol and smoke lots of pot.. and that will be our attempt to revitalise buffalo's failing economy! ;-))

anyways, somewhere from the depths of his stupor (coma?), vip would like to thank everyone for their best wishes and for believing in him when even he didnt believe in himself.. and guys n' gals, that was a great surprise party last night!!

'master' vipul!!

there'll be only one song playing all night at 33 tonight.. "master!! master!!" (Metallica - Master of Puppets, sorry, no, Engineering!).. yes.. vipul graduated today after an intense two-hour grilling.. and so proved that it is actually possible to graduate from UB with all your faculties, limbs and sanity intact.. and even more importantly, without getting hospitalised for alcohol poisoning, failed lungs, too much sleep, or even OD-ing out!! there lies hope in that fact for all the rest of us!! more later.. now we're off to PAARRTTYYY!!

the outlaw torn

so i have been asked.. why 'the outlaw torn'? well, why not? i spent all my life going against the grain.. doing what i was told i could not do.. running from establishment, breaking all the norms, proving people wrong, sometimes myself included!

'torn.. torn between past, present, and future' as a boy of indian origin, born and growing up in kenya.. kenya is my country.. after all, my family's been there for over a hundred years! as i like saying.. barring skin colour, i'm as kenyan as they come.. i learned swahili before any indian language.. 12 years of public schooling ensured all my friends were native kenyans.. i bleed when kenya bleeds, and laugh when kenya laughs.. my heart will always beat to the rhythm of the african drum.

but after having done my undergrad in india.. i got in touch with my spiritual side.. the home of my ancestors. i travelled the country in the four years i was there, with wonderment and joy at the vastness, the depth, the intensity of its myriad cultures, heritages and norms..

and now.. i'm in the 'land of the free, home of the brave'.. trying to eke out a life that is worlds (literally!) apart from the previous two chapters in my life.. america to me represents a chance to live out all the hopes and dreams i have nurtured..

'torn between what i am and what i could be' - i am a dreamer.. an idealist, with big plans for what lies ahead.. and i get put off when my progress towards those goals slows down.. i want what i want and i want it now! its so easy to get disillusioned..

the 'Jung - Myers-Briggs' typological approach to personality and character assessment has me down as an E-N-T-P, aka 'champion'!! for those of you who haven't heard about this test.. i would suggest taking it.. the results are uncannily correct.. click here to have a look.

ENTP 'champions' are a rare breed.. as can be read in the description provided.. and what was so amazing was that i spent all my life being like that, thinking i was so unique, in all my little quirks, only to find that i matched that ENTP personality in each and every facet! it was a little unnerving!! but now i have made my peace with it, and live my life like i see fit, without buggering myself with the constant urge to 'improve' myself.. a line i tell all my friends.. "live life well, for the only person who really matters, is you, yourself". might sound selfish, but that's reality for you.

so i'm the outlaw torn.. and that's that.. and i have accepted myself for what i am, as i am.. and i must appreciate all my friends for accepting me as that.. and the greatest form of gratitude i can show them is by accepting that they are what they are, too.

from Metallica's album "Load".. 'The Outlaw Torn'..

And now I wait my whole lifetime.. For you | And now I wait my whole lifetime.. For you
I ride the dirt, I ride the tide.. For you| I search the outside, search inside.. For you

To take back what you left me, I know I'll always burn to be
The one who seeks so I may find, And now I wait my whole lifetime

My outlaw torn.. My outlaw torn.. And I'm torn

So on I wait my whole lifetime.. For you | So on I wait my whole lifetime.. For you
The more I search, the more my need.. For you | The more I bless, the more I bleed.. For you

You make me smash the clock and feel, I'd rather die behind the wheel
Time was never on my side, So on I wait my whole lifetime

My outlaw torn.. My outlaw torn.. My outlaw torn.. And I'm torn

Hear me! And if close my mind in fear.. Please pry it open
See me! And if my face becomes sincere.. Beware
Hold me! And when I start to come undone.. Stitch me together
Save me! And when you see me strut.. Remind me of what left this outlaw torn

diwali friday

hello people, hope you all had yourselves a happy diwali.. i had a pretty decent day too.. could not bring myself to going to the lab at all today.. so went to north campus with arul to help vip with his demo presentation for his defense on monday afternoon. it's been really long since i last ate at the burger king in school!

came back home.. then got ready to go to the diwali party at 122 heath (nats and mal's place).. we all were wearing kurtas (long, usually-embroidered shirts!!).. vip - black, sank - light brown, arul - dark brown and i was in red!! and the girls were also all in traditional do..

had gone to class today, and finally did the deed too!! i asked ms. heather graham out today! i invited her to the diwali dinner that we had tonight!! she was going to be coaching swimming at her old high school until 9 anyways.. well, unfortunately, i got stood up :-(( she didn't show up, and she didn't call either.. damn!! well, no problem.. i did ask her out, and she did say "yes".. at least i won't have any regrets later on!!

actually, i kinda' had my come-uppance coming.. that karma-payback.. the way i have been behaving (misbehaving, actually) recently.. sometimes i really don't realise how much i hurt people with my caustic wit.. and i should really realise that just because a repartee is delivered easily with a smile playing on my lips doesn't necessarily mean that it can be dismissed that easily too..

malvika.. i am sorry.. i've not been any kind of friend recently, forget about best friend. natasha.. your request was not unreasonable in the least.. i just had to act the asshole didn't i?? i am really sorry. boys.. no idea if i have done you wrong.. but at the rate i'm going, i'm sure i have.. i apologise again.

IIT KGP Newsflash!!

just heard the news.. RK has won gold in the illumination, and silver in the rangoli!! well done boys!! we have done it again!! so now not only are we leading both the GCs.. but we have the illu gold too!! i have never been prouder of my hall!! goood work boys, you have made my weekend here, could not have asked for a better diwali gift!!

for pictures and explanations of what illumination and rangoli are.. please check out kpower's blog.. you might have to scroll down a bit, but it's worth it.. trust me!

get crunk baby!

my music tastes have always bordered on the eclectic.. am more into rock, classic, industrial, heavy metal and new age but occasionally my kenyan upbringing shows up.. kenyan rappers Kala Mashaka, Ogopa DJs, Nameless, Boomba Train, Big Pin and G&M.. on the american scene Snoop Dogg & The Dogg Pound, Eminem.. and now my latest 'thing' - crunk!!

now, for those who don't know what crunk's all about.. the literal translation comes from crazy and drunk.. but it's used to describe a whole genre of rap that originated in the southern states.. also known as Dirty South.. main exponents being Li'l Jon and the Eastside Boyz.. those interested can mail/msg me for recommended listening :-)) until then, get crunk!!

fall cleaning

had a pretty ordinary day at work.. spent most of it multi-tasking: shelving, chatting on IM, checking in & out books and chatting up pretty co-eds - i love this job :-))! good news.. arul got an oncampus job.. yay! he's a consultant at the Centre for Information Technology!

the brownie boyz got home early to do a cleanup of the house.. rearrange the furniture to open all the heating vents.. clean and sort stuff out, etc. the living room looks unrecognisable now.. it looks much more roomy, and less like the foreboding, dark cavern that it looks like some times. pretty much spent all evening doing that, vacuuming and dusting, rearranging stuff.. nats came over to make dinner too, thank you so much sweetie!! :-x

went over to 87M later at night to get the new stock.. sat around with the boys for a while. tomorrow night we'll be watching the india-pakistan cricket match, with the projector, on the ceiling.. should be fun!

came back home and watched M*A*S*H, then Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.. now for those of you who didn't know it, or haven't watched it.. it's about johnny depp and his 'attorney' benicio del toro, who go from california to vegas on a 'Four Days, Three nights, Two Convertibles, One City' drug binge.. drinking, smoking, inhaling, injecting, cracking, popping and sucking a whole narcotic arsenal!! when they're tripping, it's hilarious the antics they get up to!! tobey maguire (spiderman!) plays a hippie in this must-see dope film!! i must must say that johnny depp is the most versatile actor in hollywood today.. the range of his roles is just mind-boggling!! he was awesome in this too, as was del toro..

Happy DIwali

just a quick note to all my indian readers - Happy Diwali, and may all of you have a happy and prosperous year ahead.

to the non-indians.. diwali is the festival of light.. originally to celebrate a great mythological Lord.. but is commercialised much like christmas has become in the western world. in most parts of india, the new year begins the day after diwali too.

so to all of you, go ahead and party all weekend - any excuse to have a party, what say? ;-))

something?

umm, i don't think i can get away with saying nothing for another day running can i?! ;-)) work was nice today.. met lots of pretty girls!! i have to say that getting this job in the architecture library has done wonders in the eye-candy department!!

actually today was a great day for meeting girls in fact.. i spoke at length with 'heather graham' in class.. and got to speak to my 'mystery diary-ist' too.. should probably have asked for a million bucks in a ferrari and might have found it parked outside 33 Heath!!

i made a simple egg-curry for dinner.. and during the process again i was reminded that i really love cooking! i'm not your 'meticulous chef, spick and span, precise amounts' types.. as exemplified by french sous-chef types.. i'm more 'toss that in, add more of that, hmm..' kinda guy.. so recipes are wasted on me! besides, we cook on industrial scale.. for like 5 men with huge appetites, so all mathematics go out the window and it's all cooking by feel!

i also realised that part of my love for cooking is derived from a desire for approval, which shows in my personality too, and just like this blog - face it, who doesn't like being appreciated? it's not like i live for it.. but i like it nonetheless! so, even though i'm penning down personal, maybe mundane, thoughts here, i'm trying to make it as hilarious and eminently readable as possible, so that every one enjoys themselves, maybe leaves a comment and comes by again.. you will come back again won't you? :-))

nothing

i did nothing today.. nothing happened today.. there was no work to do.. nothing to watch on tv.. didn't meet anyone.. dinner was nothing special.. i didn't do much research work.. am doing nothing now.. nothing to say.. so i have written nothing in this blog either :-))

snow, glorious snow!

dammit the snow is here! i thought it would stay away for some more time, but i guess not. we had a proper full-scale flurry today, and when i got out of class at 6, the campus had a nice coat of white all over it! by the way, you know that winter is really here when one shot of whisky doesn't warm you up! talking of class, dr.baier is outdoing himself in inducing sleep every class these days.. i love the courses, but he is seriously getting the sleep monsters out of the closet and into my head so easily these days!!

we finally got the blinds mounted today, so i shall sleep the sleep of the dead tonight, with no neighbour's lights and no sunlight to disturb my reverie until 11 am!! nats came over and made awesome chicken biryani.. and we all sat down to watch Monday Night Football. talking of football, the Buffalo Bills finally got their offensive game in gear yesterday and pounded the Jets.. it's good to be in buffalo!

arul, ash and i went out at night to see the snow, and the campus as it is going to look for the next five months or so.. no green in sight.. stark, dark colors against a white background

what a weekend!

so after all the soul-searching and angst that marked the end of last week, we ended up having one of the best weekends ever!! saturday we went on a road trip to pittsburgh, and sunday we went to letchworth park to see the fall colours. see the sidebar for the fall pictures.

pittsburgh was awesome, a great american city. it was nice to see a big city again, after the relatively small size of buffalo. sank, nats, arul and i went.. went to the Sri Venkateshwara temple there, and then we pigged out at the Udipi there. the Udipi was following in the tradition of the rest, simple decor, highly appetising and relatively cheap south indian food. lots of dosas, uttapams, avial, sambar, rasam, payasam, coffee and various ites we had no idea about later.. we were stuffed silly, and all we could think of was lying down and falling asleep!

in the late afternoon we went to the duquesne incline overlooking the city and had an amazing view of the pittsburgh downtown. we took the cable car ride there and hung out, then sadly, we had to leave for the drive back home.

we got home pretty late, and whacked out.. so plans of going bowling were knocked down like nine-pins.. vip and i went to 87M.. they'd got the video projector from the lab.. and we were watching Saving Private Ryan, Gone In 60 Seconds & Pink Floyd's Pulse on the ceiling, all smoked up and lying flat on our backs!! :-))

sunday early morning we were up and about again, going to letchworth park.. it was a beautiful warm day to boot, so we had a really great time. we took a short hike, cos we had to get back before the football game at 1.

the colours were brown and orange, stark and clear in the fuzzy sunlight..

we followed the gennessee river valley, up to the waterfalls.. which was awesome..

i have been in a more contemplative mood the last couple of days.. and going to the temple, then spending some time with nature was a great help too..

i am at peace again, for some time at least :-)) if anyone remembers the time in Ace Ventura - When Nature Calls, and ace's chant.. a-aa-alrighty then!! may peace be with you all too.

back soon!!

hey everyone, i'll be back soon, am on vacation this weekend. hang in there :-))

sorry

a quick note of apology to some special people.. i've been off-colour, and have taken it out on some people who do not deserve it at all. if i get a chance i will apologise to you personally too (you know yourselves), but for now, i'm sorry.

i am me

so i'm being informed from various quarters that there are issues that i need to be aware of, that apparently i am not addressing, that are supposed to be of grave importance, that are life-changing, that i dont give a flying f**k about!! so having heard this from a number of people, i sat down to think things over.. and decided that i am still good. i am not going to do anything in any way else, cos i am perfectly happy the way i see things developing. as the people in buffalo love to say: you're all set!"

it gets even better when random phrases get thrown about: "unthinking oxen", "errant roommate", "mundane blogger", "ex-best friend", "raving lunatic", "dreary monotonous life", "messed-up alcoholic", "lazy pothead", "sarcastic wise-ass", "obsessive-compulsive", "control freak".. wait there's more, oh what the hell, who am i kidding that i care what people think!! never have never will! i guess the only common factor that has been playing on and on in my life is that i have always ended up left holding the short end of the stick, being used.. after all, i am a sucker for helping people out. :-P

so i might not be capable of profundity of thought, nor of depth of conversation. i might not be the perfect guy, who bucks all trends and is always the inspiring leader etc. bullshit.. i am just (i quote from a blog widely-acclaimed and famous for intelligence, depth and honesty) "developing and nurturing my own qualities". thank you.

good times

i must say i got paid a sideways compliment today. "not to live my life in unthinking bliss, like oxen" was the sentence used to describe the life i lead, and the crap i spew in this blog - guess what, i don't mind!! i actually like leading life the way it is, not really caring about who thinks what about whatever. keeping it simple is the credo i have lived by for many many years, and i don't feel any pressing urge to change now!

so Kerry was gracious in defeat, and Bush tried hard to not smirk when he mentioned Kerry's concession in his acceptance speech - some things never change! work was quiet today, as if the country was still slumbering after last night's shenanigans.

vip got the rental car today for the weekend.. he has his driving test tomorrow.. and he got upgraded to a Ford Focus!! i love that car!! yes!! we did the customary Wal-Mart trip today, and then nats and sank took us out to dinner, so we landed up at Fuddruckers!! met tilova there - it's been a while :-)).. she's looking as good as ever, mech. senior year hasn't managed to down her.. we pigged out there and one huge 1/2 pound burger and fries later, we were all just about ready to settle down and crash!!

America has spoken

yes, America has spoken, and it has spoken in favour of the incumbent President. it does appear that the nation is bracing for war, why else would they choose a 'war-time' President? i must say i am disappointed with the result, but then again, the Republicans did their homework well. it would be very incompetent of them to not lay enough groundwork during their tenure to ensure re-election.

from a purely selfish point of view, i don't care who wins - what matters to me is how it is going to affect my life, as a foreign student in the USA studying in an engineering field - the immigration issues, the research funding, the quality of life. let's see.

breaking news!!

so the news just in at 11.31 am on CNN is that Kerry has called Bush to concede the election!! yes, you heard that right. i quote:

Democratic Sen. John Kerry phoned President Bush on Wednesday to concede the presidential election, a White House aide said.

Word of Kerry's phone call came a few hours after White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced that the Bush campaign was convinced the president had won re-election.

"President Bush decided to give Sen. Kerry the respect of more time to reflect on the results of this election," Card told GOP supporters at the Reagan Federal Building and International Trade Center in Washington. "The president will be making a statement later today."

well, so that's that then, the lawyers will not have to make a Florida out of Ohio this time around - has Kerry been short-circuited into making that phone call exactly the way Gore was last time?? who knows?!

done for tonight

add New Mexico to the list of 'to-be-resumed', and we can all go to sleep nicely now.. so now the remainders are:
- Ohio: Bush leads by 145,000 with 99% precincts reporting. Provisional and absentee ballots may count for up to 250,000 more. It may take up to a week for those to be counted. (20 EVs)
- Iowa: Bush leads by 15,000 with 99% precincts reporting. Counting has been suspended for a day due to fatigue and mechanical failure of counting devices. (7 EVs)
- New Mexico: Bush leads by 4,000 with 99% precincts reporting. Counting has been stopped now. (5 EVs)

so where does that leave us? its right now Bush ahead 254 - 242.. with only Wisconsin (10 EVs) left to wrap up the night.. am watching Wolf Blitzer and Larry King discussing exactly what vip and i have been talking since 1 am, and what i have been informing you all about here. sometimes we wonder why these windbags get paid so much to talk for hours on tv, about absolutely mundanely simple things that any self-respecting adult could have realised for hiself in a few minutes!! sheesh!!

ok, so Wisconsin has just been awarded to Kerry, so its now 254 - 252 for Bush. good night ladies and gentlemen, we shall see what happens tomorrow.

deadlock!!

Ohio can only be decided over the next few days.. and Iowa has machine trouble and fatigue, so operations will resume in a day.. that leaves it delicately poised with 27 EVs hanging.. which pretty much means we shall sleep tonight without anyone winning outright!!

the permutations are if Kerry carries both New Mexico & Nevada he is in a strong position, or he loses even one, then it gets almost impossible for him to win, even if the two states on ice come through for him..

just a quick stat to ponder on - Bush is leading the popular vote by around 3.75 million with 87% precincts reporting. what are some 60-odd million people thinking voting for him??

another quick stat - Kerry has won pretty much all the industrial and economic states: DC, NY, California, Michigan, Illinois, Massachussets.. i wonder why?

FOX-ing again?!

what the hell!! FOX are bloody doing it again!! they called Ohio for Bush.. giving him the twenty he needs to get the minimum 269!! CNN are playing it safe, calling it 249-200! this is crazy.. Kerry might have got New Hampshire to switch to Democrat and yet lose the election!! crazy i say!!

took a break from the whole hullabaloo to go to 87M and get our new stock. we smoked up some with the boys, chilled out and discussed the ramifications of what we're seeing..

still stuck to the TV.. it's bloody hynoptic, the twists and turns in this election!

going..

10.30 pm.. glued to CNN on tv and on the net too.. Bush has it 193 - 112 against Kerry.. it's not looking good.. the 68 swing votes from ohio, pennsylvania and florida are not in yet.. they're expected to change the face of the whole election, unsurprisingly! here are a couple of blogs from CNN.. the Election Night Blog and the Campus Vibe Blog.

first results in

so here we are, 9 pm Eastern time.. have been watching the first numbers coming in on CNN (will not be watching Fox News after what happened last elections!!).. at last count its Bush 155 and Kerry 112.. first to get 270 is the President! i want to put up some information and stuff with in-depth analysis of what it means.. but why bother when there are some hundreds of sources for all that :-)) i will be up late tonight though, following what happens.

decision time

ladies, gentlemen and stoners.. four years have passed, and it is time for the U.S. Presidential Elections again. in case you have lived under a rock the last four years (i.e. you have no idea what George W. Bush has done to the country), then please do not repeat the mistakes made four years back. i'm not saying John Kerry is the solution to the country's problems, but i do sincerely think he's a lesser evil than Dubya-Man! please vote wisely tomorrow!!

NEWSFLASH: possession of marijuana for personal use legalised in alaska!! i knew all those hours trudging through buffalo snows would come in handy somewhere!!

sank and nats came by in the morning and whipped up some chili for lunch.. thank you!! nats being the sweetheart she is, made us chocolate-chip cookies last night.. thank you again!! class today was ok.. a quiet affair.. dr. baier simplified DNA, RNA etc. went off to the library for my two-hour shift after that.

cooking became a major drama today.. a couple of hours of engineering where we tried to create a four-tube bong from parts scavenged from the recycle bin and vip's lab.. leaving the kitchen table looking like a workshop bench after that.. then finally at half-10 we started cooking.. when you're stoned decision-taking is a pain.. so we took another fifteen minutes deciding what to make! then while vip was washing a few pots.. the bottom of the U-drain in the kitchen sink fell out flooding the whole place!! phew, that stank!! fixing that was a bit confusing but we effected basic plumbing repairs.. cleaning up was an even more painful task.. especially when the bathroom sink started backing up too.. we had a very sinking feeling then that this was not to be a good day.. dammit even opening cans is a pain now ever since our can-opener gave up the ghost! we finally sat down to eat mightily relieved around half-elevenish.

Fade To Black

Life it seems, will fade away, Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself, Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live, Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me, Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be, Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real, Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me, To the point of deathly agony
Growing darkness taking dawn, I was me, but now He's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it to late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death Greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

"Fade To Black" - Metallica (Ride The Lightning)

NB: if you can't see anything, highlight the black space