the outlaw torn

so i have been asked.. why 'the outlaw torn'? well, why not? i spent all my life going against the grain.. doing what i was told i could not do.. running from establishment, breaking all the norms, proving people wrong, sometimes myself included!

'torn.. torn between past, present, and future' as a boy of indian origin, born and growing up in kenya.. kenya is my country.. after all, my family's been there for over a hundred years! as i like saying.. barring skin colour, i'm as kenyan as they come.. i learned swahili before any indian language.. 12 years of public schooling ensured all my friends were native kenyans.. i bleed when kenya bleeds, and laugh when kenya laughs.. my heart will always beat to the rhythm of the african drum.

but after having done my undergrad in india.. i got in touch with my spiritual side.. the home of my ancestors. i travelled the country in the four years i was there, with wonderment and joy at the vastness, the depth, the intensity of its myriad cultures, heritages and norms..

and now.. i'm in the 'land of the free, home of the brave'.. trying to eke out a life that is worlds (literally!) apart from the previous two chapters in my life.. america to me represents a chance to live out all the hopes and dreams i have nurtured..

'torn between what i am and what i could be' - i am a dreamer.. an idealist, with big plans for what lies ahead.. and i get put off when my progress towards those goals slows down.. i want what i want and i want it now! its so easy to get disillusioned..

the 'Jung - Myers-Briggs' typological approach to personality and character assessment has me down as an E-N-T-P, aka 'champion'!! for those of you who haven't heard about this test.. i would suggest taking it.. the results are uncannily correct.. click here to have a look.

ENTP 'champions' are a rare breed.. as can be read in the description provided.. and what was so amazing was that i spent all my life being like that, thinking i was so unique, in all my little quirks, only to find that i matched that ENTP personality in each and every facet! it was a little unnerving!! but now i have made my peace with it, and live my life like i see fit, without buggering myself with the constant urge to 'improve' myself.. a line i tell all my friends.. "live life well, for the only person who really matters, is you, yourself". might sound selfish, but that's reality for you.

so i'm the outlaw torn.. and that's that.. and i have accepted myself for what i am, as i am.. and i must appreciate all my friends for accepting me as that.. and the greatest form of gratitude i can show them is by accepting that they are what they are, too.

from Metallica's album "Load".. 'The Outlaw Torn'..

And now I wait my whole lifetime.. For you | And now I wait my whole lifetime.. For you
I ride the dirt, I ride the tide.. For you| I search the outside, search inside.. For you

To take back what you left me, I know I'll always burn to be
The one who seeks so I may find, And now I wait my whole lifetime

My outlaw torn.. My outlaw torn.. And I'm torn

So on I wait my whole lifetime.. For you | So on I wait my whole lifetime.. For you
The more I search, the more my need.. For you | The more I bless, the more I bleed.. For you

You make me smash the clock and feel, I'd rather die behind the wheel
Time was never on my side, So on I wait my whole lifetime

My outlaw torn.. My outlaw torn.. My outlaw torn.. And I'm torn

Hear me! And if close my mind in fear.. Please pry it open
See me! And if my face becomes sincere.. Beware
Hold me! And when I start to come undone.. Stitch me together
Save me! And when you see me strut.. Remind me of what left this outlaw torn