eternal sunshine of the spotted mind

so often i wake up and find myself playing and replaying scenes in my life.. oft-repeated scenes that keep popping up like damned internet explorer ads.. and they are usually as irritating as well.. cos they are scenes disintegrating, falling apart, crumbling away in my mind.. only to be replaced by newer, similar scenes, and the faces are different, the walls look different, the light outside shines with a different intensity, a different hue.. it's a different time..

maybe i am a different person too.. maybe i am not the ENTP outgoing character i am.. maybe i am that too.. ohh! it's a different shadow, but the same me. my shadow-brother, my alter-ego. i want to name him. and only one name comes to mind, immediately, naturally.. Calvin. the other me is a calvin. so who is calvin then? angst is calvin. calvin is dark. my hero is calvin. calvin fuels me.

take a moment off from whatever you are doing. you might be at work, or at home, or at school.. but be with me on this one. sit back and relax. i quote:

"We're gonna need your help, and your permission,
and so we need you to find a comfortable space,
that is not only comfortable, but vulnerable.
I want you to shut your eyes and go there,
and we'll meet you on the other side.."

now think about yourself. think about only yourself. now think about what you are, where you came from and where you wanna go. think about that. take a minute or two, and think about that.

here we are again. now i want you to think about the person that is really inside of you.. that pushes and prods you, drives you on, urges you forward. the person inside you who you hate so much yet you love to be. think about what that person makes you do. think about that person. that is the other you. talk to him, or her.. as the case might be. stay in touch with that person.. that is your life.

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finally watched Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, and it was worth every moment of the wait.. i have never felt such a sense of oneness, after watching a film. it really sets you thinking. its a movie that when its over.. you have two kinds of audience.. firstly - those who it just bounced off.. they're the ones looking around picking their coats and looking for their keys and cell phones.. and then there's the other kind.. who totally understood the movie.. and are wrestling with their grey cells wondering what it all meant.. they're the ones who are still sitting there, not minding the people stepping on their toes in their vain bids to beat the rush out.. they stare blankly, interrupted.. watching the credits roll up.. and the names are just long white strings against a dark background.. those are the people the director has communicated with.